119th Not-Congress — 1st Session of Futility
From the Actual U.S. Congress
Real legislation, ranked by absurdity — because reality is stranger than satire
The 119th Congress adopted rules clarifying that 'each day' does not mean 'each calendar day' — codifying the long-standing fiction that a single 'legislative day' can span weeks or months. Congressional time is not real time.
The spending bill that blocked USDA reforms and effectively kept pizza counted as a vegetable serving in school lunches. Because two tablespoons of tomato paste is basically a salad.
The 2005 transportation bill included a $223 million earmark for a bridge connecting Ketchikan, Alaska (pop. 8,900) to Gravina Island (pop. 50). Fifty people. A $223 million bridge. For fifty people.
Abolishes the IRS entirely and replaces the entire federal tax system with a single 23% national sales tax. Every. Single. Tax. Gone.
Would pull the United States out of the United Nations entirely, evict the UN from New York, and repeal the United Nations Participation Act of 1945. Just rip up the whole thing.
Sought to reform NSF spending after revelations that $384,949 in federal funds went to studying duck reproductive anatomy. The research was peer-reviewed and scientifically valid. The headlines were still brutal.
Addresses methamphetamine trafficking by directing research into drug sourcing and supply chains. The bill's connection to 'fish on meth' research is editorial — see note below.
The TikTok ban bill — requires ByteDance to divest TikTok or face a nationwide ban. Passed with overwhelming bipartisan support.
The Averting the National Threat of Internet Surveillance, Oppressive Censorship and Influence, and Algorithmic Learning by the Chinese Communist Party Act. They needed every single one of those words to spell ANTI-SOCIAL CCP.
Would dissolve the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives entirely and transfer its remaining functions to the FBI. Because apparently alcohol, tobacco, firearms, AND explosives don't need their own agency.
Would require presidential candidates to undergo a medical exam including a mental health evaluation. The name? Stable Genius Inquiries and Notification of Evaluations to Uncover Spoonfed Diagnoses. They worked hard on that one.
Filed days after the infamous 'covfefe' tweet, this bill would make presidential social media posts official records. The acronym stands for Communications Over Various Feeds Electronically for Engagement. Yes, really.
While this bill targeted NSF spending reform broadly, it became famous for highlighting a $682,570 grant that included putting shrimp on tiny treadmills. The actual research studied marine animal health. The treadmill cost about $47.
Recognizing the 2,560th birthday of Confucius and his contributions to philosophy and social thought. Congress does not typically send birthday wishes to people who died in 479 BC, but here we are.
The law that banned TikTok in the United States unless ByteDance divested within 270 days. Congress moved faster on this than on most infrastructure bills. Priorities.
Bans members of Congress from trading stocks. Named the 'Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments Act.' Subtle, right?
Would establish a National Historical Park on the Moon at the Apollo 11 landing site. Moon parks. With the National Park Service logo and everything. Parking would be a nightmare.
Requires ICE to detain undocumented immigrants charged with theft or burglary, named after a nursing student killed in Georgia.
Targets 'zombie' federal programs that have expired but keep getting funded anyway. Yes, the federal government has been funding dead programs to the tune of hundreds of billions. They just won't stay dead.
Designated August as National Catfish Month, celebrating the farm-raised catfish industry. The Senate took a break from the debt ceiling debate to give catfish their moment.
Designated September as National Bourbon Heritage Month. The Senate unanimously agreed that America's native spirit deserved its own month. Cheers to bipartisanship.
Makes daylight saving time permanent nationwide, ending the biannual clock-changing ritual that Congress has debated for literally decades.
During the 2013 government shutdown, 800,000 federal workers were furloughed — but Congress kept its exclusive gym open. This resolution would have closed the gym during shutdowns. Apparently that was too much to ask.
Officially designated March 14 (3/14, get it?) as National Pi Day, supporting math and science education. The most irrational holiday Congress ever created. Literally.
Would require every bill in Congress to address only one subject, clearly stated in the title. In other words, no more hiding the Bridge to Nowhere inside a 1,000-page transportation bill. Shockingly sensible.
No bills found.
Congress is on recess. Again.