The Influence Index
K Street's Finest
The unelected officials who really get things done — or undone. A ranked leaderboard of Washington's most influential fictional lobbying groups.
62 bills influenced and counting
American Council of Unnecessary Acronyms (ACUA)
Mission: Dedicated to ensuring every federal program has an acronym that spells something vaguely patriotic or accidentally humorous. Their greatest achievement: convincing Congress that 'USA PATRIOT Act' counts as plain English.
Big Cheese Coalition
Mission: The nation's premier dairy advocacy group. Successfully lobbied to classify pizza as a vegetable in school lunches because of the tomato sauce, proving that with enough money, anything can be a vegetable.
Association for the Advancement of Paperwork
Mission: Ensuring that no federal process can be completed in fewer than 17 forms. Their motto: 'If it's not in triplicate, it didn't happen.' Currently lobbying to add a 28th question to Schedule D.
National Institute of Kicking Cans Down Roads
Mission: America's foremost experts in legislative procrastination. Pioneered the 'continuing resolution' and the 'debt ceiling deadline extension.' Their 10-year strategic plan has been 'coming soon' since 1987.
Citizens for More Commemorative Coins
Mission: Believes America needs a commemorative quarter for every conceivable occasion. Currently pushing for the 'National Awareness of Awareness Month' silver dollar series. Has never met a dead president they wouldn't mint.
The Committee to Study Whether We Need More Committees
Mission: A bipartisan coalition dedicated to the formation, study, and eventual disbanding of congressional committees. Has spawned 43 subcommittees, 12 task forces, and one very long lunch break.
Lobbyists Against Lobbying Reform
Mission: The only honest lobby in Washington. Their stated goal: 'We're here to make sure things stay exactly like this.' 100% of their budget goes to preventing any legislation that would reveal what their budget is.
Foundation for Longer Bill Titles
Mission: Believes no bill title should be shorter than a Tolstoy novel. Champions of the 'Securing American Families' Elegant Retirement Act of Dedicated Action and Renewed National Goals for Seniors' — SAFER DARNGS.
Think You Have What It Takes?
Join the ranks of K Street's elite. No experience necessary — just a willingness to write very long emails and schedule meetings that could have been emails.
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Satire Notice: This page is entirely fictional and satirical. No actual lobbying groups were harmed (or consulted) in the making of this leaderboard. Any resemblance to real organizations is purely coincidental, though some of these fake ones might actually be more transparent about their goals.