Meaning of Life Appropriations Act

Section 1. Short Title and Existential Justification

This Act may be cited as the “Meaning of Life Appropriations Act” or, more informally, as the “Why Are We Even Here Act of 2025.”

Congress finds and declares:

(a) Despite thousands of years of human civilization, no satisfactory answer has been provided to the question “What is the meaning of life?”

(b) The federal government has appropriated funds for the study of shrimp on treadmills ($3 million), the gambling habits of monkeys ($171,000), and whether people will eat less if served on smaller plates (yes), yet has allocated precisely $0 to the most fundamental question of human existence.

(c) The number 42, while proposed as an answer by noted researcher Douglas Adams, lacks sufficient peer review.

Section 2. Appropriations

2(a). General Funding

There is hereby appropriated, out of any money in the Treasury not otherwise committed to things that also don’t make sense, the sum of $42,000,000 (forty-two million dollars) for fiscal year 2026, to be distributed as follows:

• $15,000,000 to the National Science Foundation for interdisciplinary research grants combining philosophy, neuroscience, and interpretive dance
• $10,000,000 to the National Endowment for the Humanities for the establishment of a National Existential Hotline (1-800-WHY-BOTHER)
• $8,000,000 for the construction of a Federal Contemplation Center in Washington, D.C., consisting of one large empty room with a single comfortable chair
• $5,000,000 for a nationwide survey asking Americans what they think the meaning of life is, tabulated by congressional district
• $4,000,000 in administrative costs, because of course

2(b). Grant Eligibility

Research grants shall be available to any accredited institution whose proposal includes at least one paragraph that made the review committee stare out the window for several minutes.

Section 3. Mandatory Existential Crisis Days

3(a). Establishment

All federal employees shall be entitled to two (2) Existential Crisis Days per calendar year, in addition to existing leave, during which the employee may:

1. Stare at the ceiling and question their career choices
2. Wander aimlessly through a park while listening to Radiohead
3. Sit in their car in the parking lot for 45 minutes before deciding to just go home
4. Reread their college philosophy textbooks and wonder what happened

3(b). Documentation Requirements

Employees taking an Existential Crisis Day shall not be required to provide documentation, as the entire point is that documentation is meaningless. However, they may optionally submit a one-page reflection on the futility of paperwork.

Section 4. The Meaning of Life Commission

4(a). Establishment and Composition

There is hereby established a National Commission on the Meaning of Life, composed of:

• Three philosophers (at least one must be “fun at parties”)
• Two scientists (one astrophysicist, one marine biologist, because the ocean is deeply unsettling)
• One retired kindergarten teacher (who probably has a better answer than everyone else)
• One person selected at random from a bus stop in Topeka, Kansas

4(b). Reporting Requirements

The Commission shall deliver a preliminary report to Congress within 18 months. If the report simply states “We don’t know,” this shall be considered an acceptable finding and the Commission shall be renewed for an additional five years with increased funding.

Section 5. Sense of the Senate

It is the sense of the Senate that:

The meaning of life is probably something simple that we are all overcomplicating, and that if we spent less time in committee hearings we might have figured it out by now.

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This bill was filibustered for 14 hours by Sen. Richard “Rick” Nihilist (R-WY), who argued that the bill was “ultimately pointless,” which supporters noted was rather on-brand for the subject matter. Final vote: 58-42, failing to reach cloture. The irony of receiving exactly 42 opposing votes was noted by the Congressional Record but not commented upon.