National Pothole Emergency Declaration Act

Section 1. Short Title and Declaration of National Pothole Emergency

This Act may be cited as the “National Pothole Emergency Declaration Act” or the “My Suspension Can’t Take It Anymore Act of 2025.”

Congress finds and reluctantly admits:

(a) There are currently an estimated 33 million potholes on American roads, which is more potholes than there are residents of Texas, and substantially less charming.

(b) American drivers spend an average of $600 per year on pothole-related vehicle repairs, which is coincidentally the same amount Congress spends annually on each treadmill in the Congressional gym that nobody uses.

(c) Several potholes in the greater Detroit metropolitan area have been continuously present for so long that they now qualify for their own zip codes.

(d) The nation has put a man on the moon, mapped the human genome, and built a global internet, but cannot seem to fill a hole in the ground.

Section 2. Declaration of National Emergency

2(a). Emergency Declaration

The President is hereby authorized and strongly encouraged to declare potholes a National Emergency, placing them in the same threat category as hurricanes, pandemics, and that one bridge in Pittsburgh everyone is afraid of.

2(b). Emergency Powers

Under this declaration, the Federal Highway Administration shall have the authority to:

1. Commandeer any available asphalt within a 50-mile radius of a reported pothole
2. Deploy the Army Corps of Engineers to particularly egregious craters
3. Name and track potholes the way we name hurricanes (e.g., “Pothole Kevin,” “Pothole Brenda”)

Section 3. The Federal Pothole Census

3(a). Comprehensive Survey

The Department of Transportation shall conduct a nationwide pothole census within 12 months of enactment, documenting:

• Location (GPS coordinates)
• Diameter and depth (in both inches and “number of sedans that could fit inside”)
• Estimated age (carbon dating, if necessary)
• Number of citizen complaints filed (minimum three per pothole, based on historical data)
• Whether the pothole has been “temporarily” patched more than five times

3(b). Pothole Classification System

Potholes shall be classified according to the following scale:

• Category 1: Cosmetic nuisance; causes mild irritation and spilled coffee
• Category 2: Structural threat; has bent at least one rim this fiscal quarter
• Category 3: Vehicular hazard; visible from Google Earth
• Category 4: Geological event; has its own weather system
• Category 5: Has been awarded a historical preservation marker by the local community

Section 4. Appointment of the National Pothole Czar

4(a). Position Established

There is hereby created the position of National Pothole Czar, appointed by the President with the advice and consent of the Senate, who shall serve as the nation’s chief pothole strategist.

4(b). Qualifications

The Pothole Czar shall:

• Have at least 10 years of experience in either road maintenance or extreme frustration
• Own a vehicle with at least one pothole-related repair on record
• Be willing to drive Interstate 94 through Michigan in March as part of the interview process

4(c). Duties

The Pothole Czar shall coordinate all federal pothole response efforts, maintain the National Pothole Registry, and issue a quarterly “State of the Potholes” address, which Congress acknowledges nobody will watch but which will be a matter of public record nonetheless.

Section 5. Reallocation of the Congressional Gym Budget

5(a). Funding Source

The annual budget for the Congressional gymnasium, fitness center, and associated amenities (estimated at $4.2 million per year, a figure that should upset everyone) is hereby redirected in its entirety to the National Pothole Emergency Fund.

5(b). Justification

Congress finds that:

Members of Congress who wish to exercise may do so by filling potholes, which provides both cardiovascular and upper-body benefits and is substantially more useful to the American public than the current arrangement.

5(c). Exception

The Congressional swimming pool shall be exempt from this reallocation, as it has already been repurposed as a Category 4 pothole demonstration model.

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This bill was introduced on a Monday and by Tuesday had received more constituent letters of support than any legislation in the previous fiscal year, including the one about naming a post office. The Ad Hoc Committee on Making More Committees has referred it to a newly created Subcommittee on Potholes, which has not yet met because the chairperson got a flat tire on the way to the Capitol.