Indiana Pi Bill

Section 1. Short Title and Mathematical Disclaimer

This Act may be cited as the “Indiana Pi Rationalization Act” or, as mathematicians worldwide refer to it, “The Day Indiana Tried to Break Geometry.”

REAL ABSURDITY NOTICE: This is based on an actual bill. In 1897, Indiana House Bill 246 attempted to legislate the value of pi. It passed the Indiana House of Representatives 67-0. This is not satire. This is history. History is sometimes indistinguishable from satire.

Section 2. Historical Findings of Actual, Real, Non-Fictional Absurdity

Congress acknowledges, with a mixture of horror and delight, the following facts:

(a) On January 18, 1897, Indiana House Bill 246 was introduced by Representative Taylor I. Record at the request of amateur mathematician Dr. Edwin J. Goodwin, who claimed to have solved the impossible problem of squaring the circle.

(b) Dr. Goodwin’s proof required that the value of pi be set at 3.2, rather than its actual value of 3.14159265358979… (continuing forever, much like a Senate filibuster).

(c) The bill passed the Indiana House of Representatives by a vote of 67 to 0, suggesting that not a single member of the House thought to check the math on a math bill.

(d) The bill was only stopped in the Indiana Senate because Professor Clarence Abiathar Waldo of Purdue University happened to be in the statehouse lobby, was shown the bill, and reportedly “ichly enjoyed the bill as a piece of mathematical absurdity.”

Section 3. What the Bill Would Have Done (If Math Were a Democracy)

3(a). The Goodwin Claim

Dr. Goodwin’s bill would have established, as a matter of Indiana state law, that:

• A circle’s area equals the square of one-quarter of its circumference (it does not)
• Pi equals 3.2 (it does not)
• Squaring the circle is totally possible, you guys (it is not)

3(b). The Generous Licensing Terms

In a twist of remarkable confidence, Dr. Goodwin offered the state of Indiana free use of his “discovery” while proposing to charge royalties to everyone else. This is correct: a man attempted to copyright a fundamental constant of the universe and license it to a state government.

3(c). What This Would Have Meant in Practice

Had the bill become law:

• Every wheel in Indiana would have been legally wrong
• All bridges, buildings, and circular structures would have been constructed using incorrect mathematics
• Indiana’s pizzas would have been legally 2% larger or smaller than reality, depending on interpretation
• The state would have been in conflict with the known universe

Section 4. The Senate’s Merciful Intervention

4(a). The Waldo Incident

Professor Waldo, upon being introduced to Dr. Goodwin in the statehouse and invited to meet “the great man,” declined on the grounds that he “already knew as many crazy people as he cared to.” This remains one of the finest burns in the history of American mathematics.

4(b). The Senate Response

After Professor Waldo briefed several senators on the bill’s contents, the Indiana Senate chose to postpone the bill indefinitely, not because they understood the mathematics, but because they were sufficiently embarrassed by the national press coverage to realize that perhaps legislating the laws of mathematics was beyond their jurisdiction.

Section 5. Lessons for the Modern Congress

Congress hereby resolves that:

(a) Mathematical constants shall not be subject to legislative override, no matter how inconvenient they may be for amateur mathematicians.

(b) Before voting unanimously on any bill, at least one member should probably read it.

(c) If a bill claims to have solved a problem that mathematicians have declared impossible for two thousand years, perhaps some skepticism is warranted.

(d) Purdue University shall receive a formal commendation for the service rendered by Professor Waldo, who saved Indiana from becoming a mathematical laughingstock. (He was too late to save them from a general laughingstock, but one does what one can.)

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Commemorative vote tally (symbolic): 435 “Pinocchios” - 0 “Pythagoras Awards.” This resolution was introduced on March 14 (Pi Day), because Congress does enjoy thematic timing, even if it does not enjoy mathematics.