Congressional Tech Literacy Act

Section 1. Short Title and Congressional Embarrassment Findings

This Act may be cited as the “Congressional Tech Literacy Act” or the “Please Stop Asking Google’s CEO Why Your iPhone Is Broken Act.”

Congress reluctantly acknowledges the following:

(a) During recent hearings, a sitting member of Congress asked the CEO of a major technology company to explain why their grandson’s iPhone showed inappropriate content, despite the company in question not manufacturing the iPhone, the content in question, or the grandson.

(b) The phrase “The Internet is a series of tubes” was spoken unironically on the Senate floor and has haunted the institution ever since.

(c) Multiple members have, on the record, confused TikTok with a clock, Bitcoin with actual coins, and “the cloud” with weather.

Section 2. The Congressional Technology Competency Examination

2(a). Minimum Requirements

Before casting any vote on legislation pertaining to technology, telecommunications, data privacy, artificial intelligence, or “that computer stuff,” each member of Congress shall demonstrate competency in the following areas:

1. The difference between WiFi and Bluetooth (partial credit for knowing they are both “wireless things”)
2. What a browser is, and that “Google” is not the internet itself
3. The ability to unmute oneself on a video call within 90 seconds (generous, but necessary)
4. Basic password hygiene, including but not limited to not using “password123” or the name of a grandchild
5. The knowledge that deleting an email does not delete it from the internet
6. A general understanding that an “algorithm” is not a type of dance, despite what the name suggests

2(b). Passing Score

A passing score shall be 60%, which the committee acknowledges is a D-minus, and yet remains aspirational.

Section 3. Remedial Technology Education

3(a). Study Sessions

Members who fail the examination shall be enrolled in mandatory remedial technology classes, taught by high school students from their home districts, who shall be compensated at their normal babysitting rates.

3(b). Curriculum

The remedial curriculum shall include, but not be limited to:

• “What Is a PDF and Why Can’t I Edit It?” (2 hours)
• “Reply All: A Cautionary Tale” (1 hour, cross-listed with H.R. 867)
• “No, You Cannot Just ‘Ban the Algorithm’” (3 hours, with snack break)
• “Your Intern Is Not Your IT Department” (1 hour)
• “Smartphones: The Buttons Are on the Screen Now” (45 minutes)

3(c). Office Hours

Each remedial student shall have access to a Congressional Technology Helpdesk, staffed by the nearest available 12-year-old, available Monday through Friday, 9 AM to 3 PM (school hours permitting).

Section 4. Restrictions on Technologically Unqualified Legislators

4(a). Voting Restrictions

Any member who has not passed the examination shall be prohibited from:

1. Voting on tech-related bills
2. Questioning technology executives during hearings
3. Using the phrase “big tech” without defining what they mean by it
4. Making hand gestures meant to represent “the cloud”

4(b). Hearing Conduct

During technology-related committee hearings, members who have not passed the exam shall be limited to asking questions that have been pre-approved by someone who has used a computer in the last calendar year.

Section 5. Annual Re-Certification

Given the pace of technological change, all members shall be re-tested annually. The exam shall be updated each year to remove questions about fax machines, which, despite their persistence in government, are no longer considered “technology” by anyone under the age of 40.

Committee Note: This bill was reported out of committee by a vote of 9-7. Five of the seven “nay” votes were cast by members who could not figure out how to operate the electronic voting system and had to be assisted by staff. Their objections were noted. Their irony was not.

---

Amendment 1 (rejected): A proposed amendment to exempt members over the age of 75 was defeated after the sponsor accidentally emailed the amendment text to his entire contact list, including three foreign heads of state and a Domino’s Pizza.