The Margarine Color Ban

Section 1. Short Title and Dairy-Industrial Complex Findings

This Act may be cited as the “Margarine Color Protection and Dairy Dignity Act” or the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Legal Act.”

REAL ABSURDITY NOTICE: This is based on actual law. Wisconsin banned the sale of yellow-colored margarine from 1895 to 1967. Restaurants were required to serve margarine only if specifically requested, and it had to be served in a triangular shape to distinguish it from butter. You could be fined or jailed for margarine color violations. This was real life in America’s Dairyland.

Section 2. Historical Findings of Dairy-Based Tyranny

Congress notes for the record:

(a) Beginning in 1895, the state of Wisconsin enacted legislation prohibiting the sale of margarine that was colored to resemble butter, which is to say, margarine that was yellow, which is to say, most margarine.

(b) This law was enacted at the behest of Wisconsin’s powerful dairy lobby, which viewed margarine as an existential threat to butter and, by extension, to the Wisconsin way of life.

(c) Under Wisconsin law, margarine could only be sold in its “natural” state, which is an unappetizing grayish-white color that resembles spackling compound and is roughly as appetizing.

(d) To circumvent the law, margarine manufacturers included a small capsule of yellow food coloring with each package, which consumers would manually knead into the margarine at home, turning breakfast preparation into an arts-and-crafts project.

Section 3. The Margarine Underground

3(a). Color Contraband

During the ban, a thriving black market emerged along the Wisconsin-Illinois border, where citizens of the Badger State would cross state lines to purchase the forbidden yellow margarine, smuggling it back into Wisconsin like dairy-adjacent contraband.

3(b). The “Oleo Runs”

These cross-border shopping trips became known as “oleo runs” (oleo being a common name for margarine), and involved otherwise law-abiding Wisconsinites becoming margarine smugglers, a sentence that should not exist but does.

3(c). Enforcement Challenges

Wisconsin law enforcement faced the unenviable task of:

1. Inspecting suspicious spreads at the state border
2. Determining, often by visual inspection, whether a condiment was illegally tinted
3. Maintaining professional dignity while arresting someone for butter fraud
4. Filing police reports that included the phrase “contraband margarine” with a straight face

Section 4. Restaurant Regulations: The Triangle of Shame

4(a). Serving Requirements

Wisconsin restaurants were prohibited from serving margarine unless a customer specifically requested it, and even then, the margarine had to be served in a triangular pat rather than the traditional rectangular pat used for butter, so that no diner could be accidentally deceived into consuming a non-dairy spread.

4(b). The Triangle’s Legacy

The triangular margarine pat remains one of the most passive-aggressive pieces of food regulation in American history, effectively saying: “Fine, you can have your margarine, but everyone in this restaurant will know about it.”

Section 5. The Long Road to Repeal

5(a). Seventy-Two Years of Margarine Oppression

The margarine color ban persisted in Wisconsin from 1895 to 1967 — seventy-two years during which:

• Two World Wars were fought and won
• Humans split the atom and landed on the moon
• The entire Civil Rights movement occurred
• And yet, yellow margarine remained illegal in Wisconsin

5(b). The Repeal

The ban was finally repealed in 1967, not because the legislature had a sudden epiphany about the absurdity of color-coding condiments, but because federal margarine tax laws had changed and the dairy lobby’s grip had weakened slightly. The repeal passed narrowly, because Wisconsin does not surrender its dairy convictions lightly.

Section 6. Modern Implications

Congress resolves that:

(a) No condiment shall be discriminated against on the basis of color.

(b) The triangular margarine pat shall be preserved in the Smithsonian as a monument to regulatory overreach.

(c) Wisconsin is forgiven, mostly, but will be watched.

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This commemorative resolution was approved by voice vote, though the Wisconsin delegation abstained, citing “ongoing dairy sensitivities.” A motion to serve only butter at the post-vote reception passed unanimously, because some wounds never fully heal.